I am unsure if the MDMA is MDMA
but sure I’ll do some
bath salts
only I’m
a hypochondriac & it was probably
a bad idea

What if I like, die!
I ask myself at least seven times
but I’m not dead yet so I guess
there’s not much to do but
crack a Pals &
hope for the best

The best these men can offer me
is not much
Rebecca & I are holding hands through
our synchronous autistic shutdowns
I am so sorry sister
that I oversold this
masculinity

It’s not that these boys aren’t
beautiful (beautiful!) boys
they are just very bad at logistics
& um
geography
maybe letting them lead the way
was another bad idea

I need to stop
following people with
bad decision-making skills
letting men make plans
going with the flow like
other people don’t have needs
like the crowd leads somewhere unique

I need to stop being disappointed
but it’s so hard when you’re a dreamer
when you really do believe that
this boy could be better
at this one specific thing
when you know you could share something greater

Honey if you want something great
I’m right here!
can’t fulfil your resolutions

if you don’t have resolve
we can’t shatter this awkward tension
if certain truths aren’t told

But what do I know
definitely not what drug
I have three caps of in my fanny pack
definitely not
how to tell you
how I feel

Fuck me!
physically but also philosophically!
or maybe more of the former &
less of the latter
fuck me &
fuck this night &
fuck, just generally

Fuck my maybe not quite MDMA
fuck all the salt & fuck all the baths
or fuck in the bath but
that’s another story
why am I so horny
& so sad
at the same damn time

Maybe a Valium
at 6pm on New Year’s Day will save me
maybe my substance dependency will save me
haha
maybe you will save me
maybe I will save you
maybe both of us will lose

Either way I’m a player
& I sure do love a game
like trying to figure out
if this is bath salts or MDMA
but you’re the kind of unknown I’d take a risk on
you’re the daring I’d absorb
you’re the drug I’d take so blindly

even if it’s not quite wise.